In today’s world, parenting can feel overwhelming, with endless to-do lists and constant pressure to balance everything. The mental load—those invisible tasks that keep a household running—can be exhausting for parents, especially as societal pressures increase. U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy recently highlighted just how stressed parents are today, with statistics showing that 41% of parents with kids under 18 feel too stressed to function on most days. But what exactly is the mental load, and how can parents manage it?
Here’s what you need to know:
What Is the Mental Load?
The mental load refers to the cognitive and emotional labor required to manage a household. It's more than just physical tasks—it's the constant thinking and planning that goes into running a family. This can include everything from organizing doctor's appointments to remembering school projects, meal planning, and paying bills. As Paige Bellenbaum, Founding Director of The Motherhood Center of New York, explains: “The mental load is the invisible labor—the things we do that we cannot see.”
This ongoing mental effort can lead to serious stress, anxiety, and even health issues like sleep deprivation and burnout.
Why Is the Mental Load Increasing?
While the mental load has always existed, modern parenting comes with additional challenges. Rising childcare costs, concerns about technology, social media, and school safety, and the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic have all made the burden heavier.
On top of these pressures, research shows that moms, especially in heterosexual relationships, tend to carry more of this load. A study published in Archives of Women’s Mental Health found that moms take on about 73% of the cognitive work in a household, compared to 64% of the physical tasks. This imbalance can cause relationship strain and contribute to maternal stress and burnout.
Cultural and Gender Influences
The way parents experience the mental load often differs depending on cultural and gender expectations. For instance, some cultures discourage discussing mental health struggles, making it harder for parents to ask for help. Grace Bastidas, Editor-in-Chief of Parents, points out that in the Latine community, mental health has often been seen as taboo. But the good news is, these attitudes are changing, and more people are seeking the support they need.
Fathers also face unique challenges. Though we often focus on how the mental load impacts moms, dads aren’t immune. Many feel pressured to fit into traditional male roles and may struggle to seek mental health support. Licensed therapist Kier Gaines explains that societal expectations often prevent men from asking for help, reinforcing a sense of self-reliance that can be harmful.
How To Lighten the Mental Load
Thankfully, there are steps parents can take to manage the mental load:
Push Back Against Unrealistic ExpectationsParents often feel pressure to do it all—entertain, educate, and care for their children flawlessly. But these standards are often impossible. Bastidas warns against falling into the trap of social media comparison, reminding parents that what we see online is rarely the full picture. Instead, she advises filtering what we consume and being mindful of how it affects us.
Build a Strong Support SystemIt’s crucial for parents to lean on others for help. Bellenbaum emphasizes the healing power of community, saying that when parents feel supported and understood, the load feels lighter. Whether it’s friends, family, or other parents going through similar experiences, connecting with others is key to reducing isolation and stress.
Share the Load with Your PartnerIf you have a partner, discuss how to divide tasks more equally. Gaines advises that fathers, in particular, seek out other dads to talk to, as these conversations can help them open up and share experiences.
Be a “Good Enough” ParentPerfection isn’t the goal. Bellenbaum refers to the theory of the “good enough mother” by British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, which suggests that it’s healthy for children to experience manageable challenges. Trying to be a perfect parent can actually hinder a child's ability to cope with the real world. Instead, focus on doing your best and let go of the need to control everything.
Prioritize Self-CareFinally, parents should carve out time for themselves. This can be as simple as setting aside time each week for activities that recharge you—whether that’s resting, exercising, or pursuing a hobby. Bastidas encourages parents to schedule self-care on the family calendar and make it a non-negotiable part of the routine.
Self-care isn’t just about relaxation—it’s about ensuring you have the energy to be the parent your children need. And when you need to step back or delegate, remind yourself: it doesn’t have to be perfect, and that’s okay.
Final Thoughts
Parenting in today’s world comes with an enormous mental load, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to carry it alone. By setting realistic expectations, building support networks, and prioritizing self-care, parents can better manage their stress and, ultimately, their well-being.